The Art of Empathy
A few weeks ago, I met with the educator from Kids Hope USA who shared with me a wonderful little book that she has been using at Director Trainings entitled If She Only Knew Me by Jeff Gray and Heather Thomas. The pages are filled with pictures, thoughts and struggles of a young boy who wrestles with a variety of rules and standards at school that leave him feeling frustrated and misunderstood. To be honest, the words and pictures triggered feelings of sadness and compassion for me. If you have not seen this book, it would be well worth your time to find it.
As I reflected on this story, I was struck by the potential that exists in the relationship between mentors and students. Many kids endure their days feeling alone and misunderstood, but the mentoring hour offers kids something different. A mentor can build relationship in a way that gives a child the experience of being known, valued, and understood. This opportunity to be known is offered through the gift of empathy.
Empathy happens when you take the time to “walk in the student’s shoes” as you get outside of yourself and see the world through his eyes, listen through his ears, and feel what he feels. Ultimately, empathy happens through the way you communicate with your student. Most of this communication occurs through the art of listening. Empathic listening allows a child to become the central focus of the relationship. Instead of sharing your own story or asking lots of questions, you simply respond to the words of the child. This can be done by echoing the student’s words, paraphrasing what they have said, or summarizing what you are observing. For example, if a student is sharing a story about getting in trouble for forgetting homework, the mentor might respond simply, “So your teacher was upset that you didn’t remember your homework.” While it might seem awkward at first, echoing the student’s words communicates that his words are important to you.
Empathy can also be communicated by reflecting on emotions. It can be a wonderful gift to label the feelings that you are observing in your student. Whether it is happy, sad, angry or scared, children’s emotions need to be validated. By doing so, you communicate a place of safety where the child is free to express. In fact, labeling emotions often encourages students to ‘open up’ and say more. Using the previous example related to homework, a mentor might simply respond, “You seem really frustrated.” Often, a simple phrase that ends with a feeling word reassures a child that you are able to handle or “contain” his emotions. Also, as you listen and reflect feeling words, a child feels understood on a deeper, emotional level.
As we attempt to express empathy toward students, isn’t it interesting that the greatest gift of empathy came from God our Father through Jesus Christ? As a pure gift of grace, the Creator of the universe humbled himself and became like us. Through that very act of connection, He reassures us that we are important and understood. Absolutely fascinating.
I pray that you will regularly practice the gift of empathy with student entrusted to your care. By doing so, you are modeling the very example of Jesus Christ.
Dr. Emilie